The International Illuminaughty Plot to Assassinate Spew Lulzy

Our investigative reporters have gone deep into the mystery school underworld to uncover the plot which is the culmination of trillions of pounds of expense, hundreds of thousands of personnel working full-time, to include an elite army of crack ninjas pulled straight out of Hollywood's best kung fu movies, all to snuff out the doddering old fool that no one ever pays attention to anyway: Spew Lulzy.

Means, Motive, Opportunity: it was decided first that the most effective way to kill Lulzy would be to fictitiously firebomb her daughter's car. This would send the imaginary vapours of burning petrol across the miles and miles from her daughter's home to Lulzy's, and theoretically there was a chance that the make-believe incident would do her head in and she would top herself. Orange Dutch Masters eagerly awaited the results of the high priority imaginary strike. Top military operations staff were monitoring the situation from the Situation Room of the Orange Carrot Bunker, cleverly disguised as Tintin's benefit-thief flophouse. All of the monitoring equipment was trained on Lulzy from every angle, to gauge her reaction to the fictional attack. Reports droned in from observers on the ground noting every movement, every change in the situation. It was thought for sure that by noon Victoria time, Lulzy would be on the ground and stone cold dead from the immense impact of the fantasy explosion. Count-down at 11:59. Four... Three... Two... One... Nothing. Not a sausage.

Lulzy foiled the plan by NOT dropping dead of either a heart attack or a self-inflicted would in anguish over hallucinations of a burning car. This was a major setback for Orange Dutch Central Planning. It was time to move on to Plan B: a fictional beating.

For the imaginary thrashing they sent in their top expert at pretend hand to hand combat, Special Agent Thomas Holmes, from the Canadian Secret Service, the man who taught Benjamin Fulford everything he knows about imaginary ninja tactics:



There you see the sleek movements and poetic flow of his martial arts style, the "Silly Smilie", considered deadly in Bullshido dojos across east Asia. He brought with him a team of imaginary thugs, intelligence assets recruited and developed for years and years dedicated to this top-priority project.

Once again the Control Room focused all monitoring equipment on Lulzy, with infrared, boroscopic, satellite imagery, and watercolour paintings by Cori, the Special Agent who can count to potato. Status updates crackled over the radio airwaves. The general atmosphere resembled a major NASA space exploration event. Billions of pounds were flowing, and the government contractors were buying holiday homes in the Cayman Islands from all the profit. Excitement was in the air, that this time 'round, Lulzy would breathe her last!

Agent Holmes and his imaginary minions approached Lulzy when she least expected it: during one of her psychotic episodes from overdosing a bit on pharmaceutical prescriptions. The master stroke of imaginary kung fu attack had begun! Swing and a miss! Fictional punches! Ninja leaps through the air to make-believe breaking a fine porcelain plate over her head! Immense amounts of imaginary property damage were being committed as well as the fantasy beating this team was delivering. Every possible Bullshido move for pretending to kill someone, was invoked. Kick after imaginary kick. Punch after fictional punch. Pulling the pretend hair. And even the deadliest blow of all: NOOGIES!



With Lulzy thus waylaid, the team made their efficient exit. Agent Holmes changed his appearance and once again became a campy smilie used on conspiracy websites to take the piss at berks. The mind controlled patsies were set up as imaginary fall-guys as the Dutch Orange Command arranged for them to be fictionally arrested by local police and blamed for the pretend attack. Now, it was time to wait, and see what the result would be.

Top personnel in the Control bunker kept their eyes glued to the screens. This was the moment of truth: would Lulzy, in fact, fully and finally snuff it from the injuries suffered in this imaginary attack? Silence at first. Hopes were raised that the Illuminaughty had finally seen the last of Lulzy. Visions danced in the heads of those at the Orange Dutch Command Centre, of a world without Lulzy. No more incoherent ramblings about Team Tintin. No more incessant complaints about Australian elections. No more laughably incredible claims about Jews being from Pangea instead of Egypt. The sleepless nights in the High Council of the Orange Dutch Illuminaughty, would be over. No more trouble from O'Zion (vegemite be upon its name!)

But NO! MOVEMENT! Lulzy was still ALIVE! All that fantasy thrashing was for naught. Still breathing, she pretended to rush herself to an imaginary hospital, where the efficient care of make-believe physicians nursed her back to full strength. In a matter of microseconds she was out of the clutches of imminent death, and ready once again, to post silly screeds on random conspiratard websites from a not-so-smart-phone.

"BLAST it!" Screamed the Orange Dutch Silly Agent in Charge. "We, the Illuminaughty, the High and Mighty Secret Society with infinite money to spend, countless agents with crack training at our disposal, every possible means of ending people's life here on earth--the same agency that was able to foil the U.S. Secret Service and kill John F. Kennedy, and we cannot kill Spew Lulzy? What in BLAZES is her secret?"

This was a dire matter for high-level discussion in the Orange Dutch Illuminaughty High Council meetings. Wave after wave of imaginary ninjas had been to no avail. Fictional beatings by dancing smilies had done her no physical harm. Not even the lone Canadian hit man featured on the show "Kids in the Hall", infamous for "crushing your head" by surrounding an opponent's head with his fingers in perspective, and squeezing them together, making it look from his vantage point as if he were crushing their head, was able to do any damage to Agent Lulzy of the OzGod Secret Counterintelligence Service.

The final ditch effort would have to pull out all the stops. No imaginary holds barred. Think outside the box. Never mind blowing up other people's cars in one's mind, or fictional ninja squads, or any of the usual Orange Dutch Illuminaughty means of ridding themselves of laughably non-credible opposition. This situation called for the Ultimate Method of Guaranteed Assassination: imaginary dust in one's heater! OF COURSE! This had worked so many times before, why had they not begun their efforts with it?

The plan was immediately drawn up, thus: six squads of U.S. Army Delta Force operators would HALO jump into the Area of Operations in the middle of the night, and set up a security perimeter around Lulzy's house. This would ensure the Agents operating inside would not be disturbed by mental health workers showing up to check on Lulzy's medications. Then, when given the signal by the yank commando team, an eight-man squad from Her Majesty's Heater Service, specially trained in Heater Dust Assassinations, would stealthily infiltrate into the shadowy Lulzy Lair, locate the Heater of Death, and sprinkle tiny amounts of dog hair, vodka spittle, and one of Hagbard Celine's orgonite toys so as to lay the blame for the attack on David Icke's conspiracy nutters in Oxford.

Seconds ticking away seemed like hours as the plan was put into motion. This had now garnered the attention of the very highest-ranking Orange Dutch Illuminaughty officials. Pressure was on, to ensure that by no means would Lulzy breathe another breath after that night. Never again would another psychotic Christard rant be spammed onto web pages with almost tens of views on the Internet. This was the Illuminaughty's absolute top priority. Heads would imaginarily roll if this laughable voice were not silenced!

Team Tintin's Tanks rolled through the streets of Ballarat as backup in case OzGod were to call in a large protective force in defense of Agent Lulzy. Nothing was to be left to chance. The Delta Force teams were set in place. All was quiet. The mission was a "GO". The SHS Commandos quickly moved into action, scurrying from a combie, head full of zombie (as a cover identity, playing a role in a popular '80s Australian music video), and snuck into the Lulzy residence using a spare key they found under a small Blue Bible kept by her front door. Like clockwork, the efficient Special Heater Service team deposited the requisite amount of combustible dust in the Lulzyheater, and made their way out, nicking a few biscuits along the way and petting her dog.

Tensions mounted in the Control Room as seconds ticked off. Any moment now, pure success would surely grace this great Operation! At first there was a tiny glimmer of light in the infrared monitors. YES! Indeed, the high-tech heater dust deposited by the Special Heater Service, had in fact ignited! FIRE! Coffee cups were thrown into the air and the Orange Dutch personnel began dancing orange carrot dances in celebration, growing tulips and eating herring. The clicking sound of wooden shoes resonated all through the Red Light District. The end of Lulzy Rants was imminent, at last!

As smoke started to billow a bit out of the heater room, attention once again focused on the figure of Lulzy, stirred awake by the smell of the smoke. The microphones crackled to the screeching growls of the absolutely insane target of the fire attack as she shouted imprecations at the Orange Illuminaughty Dutch, and waddled into the kitchen to fill up a salad bowl with water. She kicked away the electrical plug and then snuffed out the fire with the bowl full of water.

Jaws in the control room dropped, in astonishment. Total silence for 666 seconds. It was unbelievable. The absolute perfect way to kill someone, foiled by a mindless nutter. How clever IS this OzGod Counterintelligence Service? How many years of training had that agent undergone, that she could smell smoke in the middle of the night, kick away an electrical cord, and extinguish a fire with a large bowl of water? This is MADNESS... This... Is... OZGOD!

Indeed, the high-tech heater dust deposited by the Special Heater Service, had in fact ignited! FIRE! Coffee cups were thrown into the air and the Orange Dutch personnel began dancing orange carrot dances in celebration, growing tulips and eating herring. The clicking sound of wooden shoes resonated all through the Red Light District. The end of Lulzy Rants was imminent, at last!

and to think,that was all done by mobile phone too...

Billy Ruben wrote:

Indeed, the high-tech heater dust deposited by the Special Heater Service, had in fact ignited! FIRE! Coffee cups were thrown into the air and the Orange Dutch personnel began dancing orange carrot dances in celebration, growing tulips and eating herring. The clicking sound of wooden shoes resonated all through the Red Light District. The end of Lulzy Rants was imminent, at last!

and to think,that was all done by mobile phone too...

Laptop in this case, lol, but I COULD do that via mobile phone, given about an extra hour or so to work the image embedding.

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:

Indeed, the high-tech heater dust deposited by the Special Heater Service, had in fact ignited! FIRE! Coffee cups were thrown into the air and the Orange Dutch personnel began dancing orange carrot dances in celebration, growing tulips and eating herring. The clicking sound of wooden shoes resonated all through the Red Light District. The end of Lulzy Rants was imminent, at last!

and to think,that was all done by mobile phone too...

Laptop in this case, lol, but I COULD do that via mobile phone, given about an extra hour or so to work the image embedding.

can hardly wait for her to lift some of it for her latest accusations of threats.

Ciggy wrote:

I'm surprised we're hearing from her at all,OzGod isn't sparing the state of Victoria from his wrath,must be the terrible misrepresentation from a certain ballarat resident I suspect.

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:

I'm surprised we're hearing from her at all,OzGod isn't sparing the state of Victoria from his wrath,must be the terrible misrepresentation from a certain ballarat resident I suspect.

Oh dear, prayers to the OzGod falling on deaf ears again? And there you are in New South Wales dancing on the grave of dead imaginary Christard friends, high AND dry. What ever will an OzGodTard think of next, as the excuse for this imaginary deity's behaviour?

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:

I'm surprised we're hearing from her at all,OzGod isn't sparing the state of Victoria from his wrath,must be the terrible misrepresentation from a certain ballarat resident I suspect.

Oh dear, prayers to the OzGod falling on deaf ears again? And there you are in New South Wales dancing on the grave of dead imaginary Christard friends, high AND dry. What ever will an OzGodTard think of next, as the excuse for this imaginary deity's behaviour?

It's dry and hot even though it's storming...schizoid weather for a schizoid town,heard the surfs up tomorrow.Maybe it's time to up the ante on the Christards get busted,put away fro 21 days,and presto,another 5 years on the pension.Seeing the doc on the 27th this month,applying for medicinal marijuana,then make the missus work for it.

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:

I'm surprised we're hearing from her at all,OzGod isn't sparing the state of Victoria from his wrath,must be the terrible misrepresentation from a certain ballarat resident I suspect.

Oh dear, prayers to the OzGod falling on deaf ears again? And there you are in New South Wales dancing on the grave of dead imaginary Christard friends, high AND dry. What ever will an OzGodTard think of next, as the excuse for this imaginary deity's behaviour?

It's dry and hot even though it's storming...schizoid weather for a schizoid town,heard the surfs up tomorrow.Maybe it's time to up the ante on the Christards get busted,put away fro 21 days,and presto,another 5 years on the pension.Seeing the doc on the 27th this month,applying for medicinal marijuana,then make the missus work for it.

might be Woo,but one of the few clever ones.

Billy Ruben wrote:Maybe it's time to up the ante on the Christards get busted,put away fro 21 days,and presto,another 5 years on the pension.Seeing the doc on the 27th this month,applying for medicinal marijuana,then make the missus work for it.

Top plan!

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:Maybe it's time to up the ante on the Christards get busted,put away fro 21 days,and presto,another 5 years on the pension.Seeing the doc on the 27th this month,applying for medicinal marijuana,then make the missus work for it.

Top plan!

IF and IF...I pull it off,I'll send you a bit,free.I'm hoping for Bedrocan,tried some from NL,very nice and clean indeed,did'nt even cough,but whoa,what a spacey cool whack,that was medicinal stuff,the real thing.

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:Maybe it's time to up the ante on the Christards get busted,put away fro 21 days,and presto,another 5 years on the pension.Seeing the doc on the 27th this month,applying for medicinal marijuana,then make the missus work for it.

Top plan!

another,more trustworthy source just returned to NL,last week.I'm sending $100 OzGod Money,should get about 7-8 grammes,he sends 3 differing types,Skunk2,White Widow and a little Derban Poison.I mix the three together...one cone,8 hours before we could have another.It's that good,last nearly a week,where we can smoke anounze in four days between two,just to keep peak stoned.

That's the diff,take that holiday to NL,vacuum seal a pound and sow it into an antique chairs cushion,wrap it properly,send it home,with fragile stickers,that's my plan for my inheritance.

Of course now you'll need a different plan, presuming NL authorities are computer literate.

And this will be required for nick-prevention: ONLY JOKING!

Ciggy wrote:Of course now you'll need a different plan, presuming NL authorities are computer literate.

And this will be required for nick-prevention: ONLY JOKING!

I got 100's of smuggling ideas,100's...it's all good.But want a holiday there,and do it myself for the big bag.A pound or two,keep me tied over for a while...
Worth it too,it's completely different from local (Aussies Best)...nothing comes near it.

Yeh it grows better in Kiwistan fer some reason.

Ciggy wrote:Yeh it grows better in Kiwistan fer some reason.

Blew me away it grows better in cold climates for some weird reson.I'm keeping my NL seeds for colder climates if I get there.Here,it grows seedy,stringy and just shitty.Worst pot in the world the Mid North Coast.
Did you notice spew Lulzy split her thread...we had a tiff today.Then it was locked,lost a fuckin post,the timing was too perfect to be honest,than just coincidence,piss me right off.

But yeah,I got a few spare White Widow gear,very nice...

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:Yeh it grows better in Kiwistan fer some reason.

Blew me away it grows better in cold climates for some weird reson.

Cannabis is originally indigenous to Central Asia, so those movies you see of Mongols riding the cold steppe... they'd have been the first discoverers of it. Kazakhstan has so much of it the government there hasn't the funds needed for defoliant to destroy it all.

Due to occasional neglect of secret plantations it's now growing wild in Canada, and thriving there. It can "tolerate" the tropics, but cold really gives it vigour.

Billy Ruben wrote:
I'm keeping my NL seeds for colder climates if I get there.Here,it grows seedy,stringy and just shitty.Worst pot in the world the Mid North Coast.
Did you notice spew Lulzy split her thread...we had a tiff today.Then it was locked,lost a fuckin post,the timing was too perfect to be honest,than just coincidence,piss me right off.

Nutters are never worth the energy of anger.

Ciggy wrote:

Billy Ruben wrote:

Ciggy wrote:Yeh it grows better in Kiwistan fer some reason.

Blew me away it grows better in cold climates for some weird reson.

Cannabis is originally indigenous to Central Asia, so those movies you see of Mongols riding the cold steppe... they'd have been the first discoverers of it. Kazakhstan has so much of it the government there hasn't the funds needed for defoliant to destroy it all.

Due to occasional neglect of secret plantations it's now growing wild in Canada, and thriving there. It can "tolerate" the tropics, but cold really gives it vigour.

Billy Ruben wrote:
I'm keeping my NL seeds for colder climates if I get there.Here,it grows seedy,stringy and just shitty.Worst pot in the world the Mid North Coast.
Did you notice spew Lulzy split her thread...we had a tiff today.Then it was locked,lost a fuckin post,the timing was too perfect to be honest,than just coincidence,piss me right off.

Nutters are never worth the energy of anger.

Nutters are never worth the energy of anger.

agreed...try and keep it funny in future.

I gave consideration to the fact it grows better in cold climates,that was contributive why I wanted to move to Tasmania.It has to beat the winter frost and cold to germinate,it's like the plant has a freak out,knows where it is and kicks in turbo-charge to beat the bone-numbing chill,here,I'll upload a picture of a plant my mate grows in NL,you'll get what I mean.Maitland,being much colder than where I am now,grew the sweetest and highly potent buds than this shithole...rank stringy bush crap of taree,worse pot in the world is sold here...that's why I travel,or import.Back soon.



some nice White Widow...

Sea of Green almost,unless uploaded the wrong picture

...and happiness is found by all...